Oppositional Defiance – Understanding What’s Really Being Resisted

When Resistance Is a Form of Communication

If your child or teenager is constantly defiant — arguing, refusing to comply, or reacting with anger to even the smallest request—it can leave you feeling helpless, exhausted, or even ashamed. But in my experience, oppositional behaviour is rarely just about being difficult. It’s often a signal. A way of saying: “I don’t feel safe,” or “I don’t feel seen.”

Children and adolescents who have been labelled with Oppositional Defiance are often some of the most sensitive, perceptive, and strong-willed individuals. Underneath the defiance is usually something deeply human: pain, fear, confusion, or a longing for connection that hasn’t yet found a safe place to land.

Not About Compliance, But Connection

I don’t work from behaviour charts or token economies. I’m not here to reward “good” behaviour and punish “bad.” What I offer is something slower, deeper, and more respectful.

In my work with children and young people who show oppositional traits, I start by getting curious — not about how to make them behave differently, but about what their behaviour might be protecting. What part of them needed to push back in order to feel in control? What might they be trying to express when words have failed?

Often, opposition becomes a survival strategy — a way of saying no to experiences that felt overwhelming, unpredictable, or unsafe. When we meet that with empathy rather than authority, something begins to shift.

Relational Repair Begins with Being Heard

Many children with ODD-like behaviours feel misunderstood, labelled, or constantly corrected. In our sessions, they are not pathologised. They are met. This means I offer a space where anger can be explored without punishment. Where mistrust can be named without fear. Where a child or teen can begin to show up not as a problem, but as a person.

For younger children, we may work through play — often using sandplay or imaginative storytelling, where emotional material can emerge symbolically and safely. For adolescents, the work is often about creating a space where they don’t feel managed, but respected. A space where they are invited to explore their identity without shame.

Including the Family, With Care

Because these dynamics rarely develop in isolation, I also support parents and caregivers. This is not to assign blame — but to understand the system around the child. We explore what your child might be reacting to, and how your own nervous system, parenting history, or current stress might be impacting the relational field.

When a child feels that the adults around them are becoming more emotionally available and less reactive, it can open up space for trust to grow.

A Different Kind of Change

This isn’t about quick fixes. It’s about slow, steady healing—where the oppositional behaviour becomes less necessary because the underlying emotions have somewhere safe to go.

You may have been told your child needs firmer boundaries or stricter discipline. But what many children with Oppositional Defiance need most is to be understood at their core — and to know that someone is willing to stay with them, even when they push away.

If you’re ready for a different kind of support, I’d be honoured to work with your child — and with you.